Seriously, this never happens.

bearded wonder: I just did a flowchart test with The Kid’s Star Wars book. Apparently I’m a ‘fallen Jedi’
bearded wonder: Like, he came over and tested me
me: LOL
me: You gave in to your anger
me: Fear leads to anger
me: Anger leads to hate
me: hate leads to Aushwitz
bearded wonder: eek
me: That took a dark turn
bearded wonder: you ended that one
bearded wonder: that’s a good one for your blog
me: Darth Fuhrer
bearded wonder: I thought it was over, I prechattulated

Rings

me: I’m not alone in thinking that navel rings are completely weird when they’re on a guy, right
bearded wonder: Pretty much any ring on a guy has always been weird to me.
me: Even a cockring?
bearded wonder: If it’s on his finger, yes
me: Touché.
me: Or don’t touché.
bearded wonder: LOL

Giggling

me: You think we’re ever going to get old enough to stop saying, “motherfucker”?
bearded wonder: Nope.
me: Sweet.
bearded wonder: I get younger with age
me: By your logic, eventually you’ll start giggling just saying “pee pee” at some point.

bearded wonder: LOL
bearded wonder: pee pee

The Replacements

me: Now I want to change someone’s phone so it replaces, “you’re” with “your”
me: Change, “regardless” to “irregardless”
the bear: “relax” to “chillax”
me: “totally” to “totes”
the bear: “adorable” to “dorbs”
me: “ironic” to “unfortunate sequence of events”
me: “Spork” to “forky spooney thing”
the bear: “Kings of Leon” to “Nickelback”
me: “Nickleback” to “I have no taste”
the bear: Is this going on the blog?
me: I think so.
the bear: It’s worthy
me: “Is this going on the blog?” to “We’re funny, tell the world.”

Bagels

me: WHERE ARE MY FUCKING BAGELS?!?!?!
the bear: I will not type what was in my head
me: There weren’t fucking-bagels.
me: Bagels, the jewish flesh-light

Parle vous Mexican?

me: Check the link I sent you and validate my sense of humor.
fingers: lol
fingers: I just did.
fingers: I don’t understand the Spanish in the link.
me: That’s because the Spanish is French
fingers: ahh.
fingers: I don’t understand the French in the link.
me: Ergo the “surrender” comment

I see baked goods

someone: The IT dept has a nose for food here, somehow they always know when I bring baked goods for the dept and they are at my desk in less than 1 minute.
me: You’ve heard about sixth senses?
someone: Yes.
me: That’s our 3.14th sense.
me: Works especially well with pie.
someone: Their’s is magnified, they are at the end of the first floor and we’re upstairs on the opposite side of the building.
me: The only thing that beats it is kryptonite, or showers.
someone: LOL

Rephrase

me:
the bear: LOL
me: I would totally do that if I didn’t want to end up on the sex offender registry
me: If I did, I mean
the bear: But you don’t?
the bear: Did?
the bear: Wut?
me: Allow me to rephrase:
me: Fuck you
the bear: NICE!

Dream Panda

me: http://i.imgur.com/uQydN.gif
someone: I am going to need a minute alone with that panda
me: LOL
someone: but more importantly WHO would make a thing like that?
me: Fabulous Bear
someone: Super fabulous
someone: …and sparkly.
me: It likes Twilight.
someone: That gif was a better love story.
me: LOL