SouthFresh

Very soon I plan on going to a karaoke bar and performing Nelly’s “Hot in Herre”

Anyone’s coolness is increased by 250% if they are an expert tap-dancer. Unfortunately, anyone’s coolness is decreased by 500% while learning.

Guess I’ll have to find something with a better coolness ratio.

I’m getting slightly concerned. Over to the left you’ll see all of those magical terms people enter into Google or Yahoo which mystically land them here. Until today, the only term that had been searched for more than once was the obvious “self deprecation”. Today though, “Hamster Hematoma” has made its second appearance on this list. What the hell are you people doing to your hamsters?

In the van on the way to work today, I did something most everyone should do:

This only works in the front seat, and is much safer if you’re the passenger. Lean slightly forward, outstretch your arms straight in front of you, and enjoy the view as your fly, Superman-like, at (or somewhere around, actual speed may vary) the speed limit.

In conversation last night it was brought up that during high school I had almost joined the Track team to do the High Jump. It is important to me that none of you be confused into thinking that I was doing this for the competition. Not true. I just thought it was great that people would cheer on my attempts to, from as high as I could, land on a big fluffy pad.

someone: How do you feel about absurdity?
me: CHICKEN CABINET!!!!
someone: well, that too

I just realized the vanpool I’m in is like some bad Saturday Morning Special, a poor exeperiment at instilling children with tolerance and love gone horribly wrong. We’ve got me the Jew, an Hispanic, a Mulatto, a Mormon, and a guy who’s left handed. Just need a talking dog and a jolly fat man, and we’re ready for prime-time.

I want to own a Pachinko machine. Maybe it’s my thing, I’ll take over the world with all the money I’ll get from winning the World Lightweight Pachinko Championship

There is a website I visit that lets you rate movies, then based on these ratings it recommends movies for you to see. So two years ago I started going through the site and rating all the movies I’ve seen. Just moments ago I completed rating over 1,000 movies. Considering the average length of 90 minutes per movie, I have spent probably well over 1,501 hours of my life watching movies. I’m wondering if my bladder is getting back at me for all of the punishment I gave it by not wanting to leave the theater… damned stupid small bladder.

Me: ::poke::
someone: :::pinch:::
Me: ::bite::
Me: ::chew::
someone: ::smack::
Me: ::pimp-slap::
someone: ::elbow in the nuts:::
Me: ::mamogram::
someone: :::triple sowcow, with a left side swipe to the head:::
Me: ::indian burn::
someone: lol