SouthFresh

I just called 1-800-CALL-KFC this is about how it went:

The Colonel: Thank you for calling KFC how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, I was just calling in reference to your recent television commercial. It stated that your Original Recipe chicken was slow cooked. I’m just wondering how its possible to slow cook some fried chicken.
The Colonel: Well, first of all, I don’t have that kind of information, if you would like me to take your information down we can get back to you on that.
Me: Well, I just filled out the form on your site, so I guess they’ll get back to me sooner.
The Colonel: Yeah.
Me: Well, thank you for your time.
The Colonel: Thank you for calling KFC.

I might add, that The Colonel sounded suspiciously female.

Dear KFC,

I would just like to know why your television and radio commercials lately have been claiming that your fried chicken is “slow cooked”. This defies my understanding of reality.

(ed. note: they restricted me to 5 lines. Guess they don’t want detailed information)

me That’s the Segway
someone wow, it’s ugly
someone i’d rather borrow my brother’s go-ped
me And I’m still waiting to find out it’s actual purpose.
someone i orginially thought it was something for the disabled
someone but if you have to stand
me Yeah.
someone it looks like it should have a dome with coloured balls that pop up as you push it.
someone only you couldn’t really stand on those things…
someone you were *supposed* to push them ::remembers the preschools beating each other with them::
someone i always hated that toy. all the more reason to dislike this…segway thing.

Just in case you weren’t aware, the Segway, the supposed revolutionary, two wheeled personal transporter is on sale… you can buy the “glorious” (I use the term extremely loosely) Cash Transporter now on Amazon for a paltry sum of $4,950.00. This is with a $495.00 non-refundable deposit. Only two per customer.

Alternatively….

You can get an Invacare Zoom-3 scooter (the same things you can borrow for the duration of your shopping trip at Wal-Mart if you have difficulty walking) for $1,165.00 (with batteries no less). Plus… you don’t have to stand while using it, and it comes with a basket in which you may place the belongings of any friends you have that accidentally got a Segway. And the scooter has 3 wheels… 3 is more than 2.

I hope they (Segway) go out of business.

And if I see anyone on a Segway, I’ll kick ‘em in the head.

someone: Sometimes I have a theme to my Christmas decorations.
someone: One year it was red and green.
someone: One year it was snowflakes.
someone: Last year it was angels.
someone: I think this year (if I get to have Christmas, that is), I think it will be snowmen.
me: You should make it Jews!
someone: LOL
someone: Then it wouldn’t be a Christmas theme.
me: Yeah it would, Jesus was a Jew.
someone: I know.
me: Big part of christmas.
me: You’re celebrating the birth of the most important Jew to Christianity.
someone: Ok, settled. I will include Jews in my theme.
someone: Well, maybe a manger scene?
someone: That would be nice, hm?
me: WOO!
me: Can I be in the manger scene?
someone: No, you’d just make him cry.

me: You gots to grab life by the balls!
coworker: Yeah, I know…mow
me: Just nicely… in a comforting manner.
coworker: I mean…meow
me: And clip your nails ahead of time.

Dear General Mills,

As we speak, I am munching on your quite tasty, yet more healthy, Gardetto’s Snak-Ens, Original Recipe – reduced fat. Very tasty, I enjoy them much…. but I have question: When will you release a bag of Gardettos with ONLY the nummy little slices of pumpernickle bread? They are the best darned part of the bag. Any time I have these delicious little snacks I am forced to eat all of the other kibble while saving my precious pumpernickle! Please, pretty pretty please, with a cherry on top, covered with lots of money from my purchasing it, could you release the Pumpernickle alone? You could call it PUMPERSNACKLE!

Thank you for your time and snacks,

Seth

“nibble nibble nibble nibble nibble”

Say that out loud. It’s fun.

NASA and LEGO are teaming up for a contest. It appears we’ll be sending two new robotic “Rovers”, as the jargon goes, to the planet from where all those Grey’s with an ass-fetish come from… erm. Mars. So the contest goes as such: Entrants must be 5-18 years old, and must write a 50-500 word essay (in crayon for the younger ones?) explaining why their name should be used. This is a great idea, except I believe it will fail to really capture the true essence of fun that is usually associated with involving kids. Due to PR restraints, I highly doubt we’ll see names like “Booger The Mars Rover” or “Red-Rover-Red-Rover-Red-Planet-Rover”

When jealousy is being dealt with, reality sits in the back seat…

… and normally keeps asking, “Are we there yet?”