Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

I’m currently working on a project for work that requires some programming on my part.  I ran across the following description for a php script available for download:

Enter a word in the box and this program tells you if you spelt it correctly or incorectly. Uses the microsoft word dictionary.

I don’t usually buy into any of the apocalyptic paranoia, but now that I see there’s a Full House marathon running, I’m not so sure.

me: You really know a hooker named Moo?
someone: yes, it means “pig” or “pork” or “bacon”.
me: So you’re telling me that “Ya” means “No”, and “Moo” means “Pork”
someone: yup
me: Next you’ll be telling me that hot snow falls up.

My company, just like many companies has an outreach program where they try to make improve their image by doing things most people wouldn’t do unless they worked for a company with a company outreach program which prodded them through psuedo-peer pressure and intimidation.

The current possible activity presented is the Anual Blind Picnic. This is located across the country from where I am, so I’m tempted to ask my superiors to just count me in. I mean, nobody’s going to see that I’m not there…

Over the thousands upon thousands of years of human existence there may have always been those who wish to give others a message which wasn’t desired to be heard by the receiver. In more innocent times this message might have been delivered by a town crier, the local preacher, or various others.

In more recent times we have telemarketers, junk mail, those annoying inserts in magazines that always fall out when you’re reading in the supermarket and make a mess of the floor, the ermergency broadcast system, the Superbowl, or the most nefarious junk e-mail.

Typically these annoyances offer service I’m not interested in, don’t trust, or come from a poor unfortunate ex-government official from Nigeria.  This said, it is typically possible to understand what the general scam is in the message.  I have, however recently been asked(?) the following, which has me completely bewildered:

$ 2 k 00 , 00 j 0 a o s l w ow a g s 4 q ,2 b 5 %

Its later than it ought to be for me so I’m stuck once again with a computer and a crazy device some call the Television (or Telly Savalis if you’re British).  An advertisement (or advertisement if you’re British) for Victoria’s Secret (or Her Majesty’s Secret… service if you’re British) just appeared featuring a song written by The Crystal Method as the soundtrack.  Too easy to see how the negotiations went, and I had a somewhat funny example of how it might have happened but everything I’ve already written diminishes the value of any other possible comedy (or Benny Hill if you’re British).

Compare and contrast:

Turn on oven
Insert food
Open Oven
Remove Food

And now my most recent version:

Turn on oven
Insert Food
Open oven
Use Ninja Skills to dodge enormous fireball
Remove food

Oh, and don’t think that the irony of a Jew’s own oven attacking him is lost on me

me: The books I’m reading, they’re no Sartre…
someone: hehe
me: But they’re good pulp.
someone: I was looking for Sartre the other day.
someone: No luck though, I’m in fucking Thailand.
me: I heard he’s dead
someone: was he ever really alive
me: Doesn’t matter if he was.

Ok, maybe a different type of WASP. Anyone got any bug spray?

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Hrmm, wrong way? Good thing I know how to read. Might be handy if the guys who set this up could.

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