Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

When I’m getting my haircut there are plenty of things I expect could come up in conversation with the person attempting to tame my rather spasmodic hair.

This list of things I expect to to be brought up in conversation by the person cuttung my hair has never before contained “Tawdry Details of the costume party I was invited to, did I mention it was hosted by swingers? You know the wife swapping kind.”

[http://www.southfresh.org/wp-content/uploads/2006/10/classicalbreaks_2.mp3]

I think maybe its time to start bypassing the water and just simply eat the coffee grounds.

Most of yesterday and the early parts of today my office’s internet provider was experiencing an outage.

It is trying time like these that make me wonder what the original trade caravans roaming Europe and the Middle East did when their internet went down.

To help wrangle the odiferous assault made capable by multiple males using the same restroom facilities, one of the female staff members was nice enough to place a “Citrus Sunburst” air freshener on the restroom counter.

Aside from the fairly non sequitur name for the product, its so early and I’m so tired that I would really prefer an air freshener named “Wake the fuck up”

someone: Where were the parakeets?
me: Pet store
me: The parakeets were weird.
me: When we first walked in they weren’t moving.
someone: lol
me: Weren’t moving at all.
me: I thought they were stuffed
someone: LOL
me: 15 or so.
me: All of them standing perfectly still
me: Then on the way back out… it was like someone had changed their batteries.
someone: maybe they were terrified of you
me: Maybe they were terrified of your face, JERK

someone: Why the hell do they have an open air petting area when the parakeets have no wings?
me: They have wings, they’re just clipped.
someone: What’s that mean?
me: Its like if they put a bunch of humans in the petting bin but removed their thumbs.
someone: What’s the purpose?
me: Keeps them from picking up phones, using doorknobs.
me: You mean the parakeets?
me: Keeps ‘em from flying away.
someone: So then what the point of the open air thing
me: You can pet them.
someone: Oh.
someone: They can’t fly long distance, or at all?
me: They can’t fly period.
someone: That’s just sick then. It’s like giving your declawed cat a scratching pole
me: Or giving a thumbless human a telephone.

someone: …and they love it with lots of ketchup
me: I just vomited a litte in my mouth.
someone: LOL
me: Ketchup is one of the most useless sauces ever.
someone: I agree
someone: Good for shutting kids up, though.
me: So is Valium.

Sometimes, try as we might, work ends up with some bugs in it:

“Boss, I saw a cockroach.”
“We’ve got some spiders in the hallway.”

Not so often that you have to say, “Hey boss, we’ve got lizards.” But there it is, scurrying around the break room trying to sell everyone insurance.

me: No calling do-over
someone: do-over
me: Car!
me: Game on.
someone: Car
me: Car!
someone: Game on
me: Game OooOOon.
someone: isn’t it kinda weird that we’re quoting from a movie in a chat?
me: And its gonna end up on my blog?
me: No, not at all