Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

I am declaring war on Georgia and the stupid little wannabe flies it has.

• Come in to work today, and find 8 dead flies sitting in my clean, empty, coffee mug.
• Wash out mug, make coffee
• When coffee is ready find 3 dead flies sitting in my clean empty coffee mug
• Wash out mug, pour coffee
• Sit at desk
• At the very moment I place my mug on my desk a Kamikaze fly dive-bombs the shit out of my coffee.
• Wash out mug
• Before I can pour another cup of coffee a fly lands on the inside of my mug, struts around, produces a flag and claims my mug in the name of his nation
• Kill Fly, wash out mug

So there I am, searching for a pair of shoes.  I tried Google products getting nowhere so I try another place, Shopzilla.  They seem to have a different concept of “appealing.”

Greatest “Saved” quote from TV ever?

“Well I’ve been saved by Jesus, so fuck you!”

Really, I heard that last night on TV.

My girlfriend and I were watching I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With tonight. Now, my girlfriend’s first language is not English, and when we found out that one of the characters was being somewhat of a slut she said to me, “Oh, she’s a horse.”
I replied, “I think you mean a Whore.”
Pause for a beat.
To elaborate I said, “A horse is the thing with four legs that you ride.”
Pause for a beat.
“And a whore is the thing with two legs that you ride.”

me: I mention I tried to cut my finger off?
someone: Um, no
me: It was messing with me.
someone: haha
me: …pretending to be a box.
me: So I tried to cut it with my appropriately named box cutter
someone: fantastic
me: Fingers bleed a lot.

someone: Now I’m watching the youtube link you sent me
me: hee hee
me: He should have written a chorus.
someone: True, very true
someone: He’s only 12 give him a break
me: Chocolate Rain!
someone: What kind of rain?
me: Chocolate Rain!
someone: lol
me: I’m sorry, but it makes me think of diarrhea
me: “Dude, after that curry we had the other night, I had some chocolate rain.”
someone: LOL

me: By the way.
me: there’s the apple,
me: purple grapes
me: green grapes
me: and a hunk of marijuana?
someone: Are you watching a fruit of the loom commercial?
me: No but that stupid one where everything’s blue made me think
me: It’s leaves
someone: LOL
me: WHAT THE HELL? It’s leaves!
someone: Did you have to look up the answer?
me: Yes I did.
me: And now I want a refund on the time I wasted
me: The gardener just scraped up a mascott
someone: LOL
me: LEAVES
me: What the hell?
someone: They ran out of ideas
me: “Well there’s an apple… some grapes….
me: “Sir, there are multiple types of grapes.”
me: “Ok, then some other grapes.”
me: “Then what, Higgens?”
me: “How about some yard clippings?
me: “BINGO. Oh, and Higgens?”
me: “Yes sir?”
me: “Pass me the bong.”