Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

me: The other night as I was falling asleep my mind wandered off into this bizarre riff on the amazingly distorted view Michael Jackson must have of the inner city and gang life…. based solely on his videos
me: Ignoring the video for “Rock With You”
someone: What about the paul mcartney duo?
me: There were a few, and they were fantastic.
someone: Fag.
me: But they don’t say anything about his views on inner city gang life.
me: Beat it,
me: Bad.
someone: Thriller
me: That’s gangs of zombies.
me: Different type of gang.
someone: Exactly.
someone: Just his view
me: You don’t have the Jets, the Sharks, and the fucking Zombies.

me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.

someone: An impala would be great for you.
someone: You could live in the trunk!
me: Not without air conditioning it wouldn’t.
someone: I bet you could get a good airflow going in that thing
me: Trust me, with the humid heat out here, that wouldn’t help
someone: Ew, humidity.
me: Just be like spraying yourself with hot pee
someone: LOL
someone: That’s my favorite feeling

me: I think “eyeballs” is a drastically underused comedic term
someone: it is a good word
me: Which is more funny?….
me: Why’d the chicken cross the road?
me: To get to the other side
me: Or
me: Why’d the chicken cross the road?
me: EYEBALLS
someone: Actuallly
someone: It’s kind of funny when you add “balls” to the end of all sorts of words
someone: Like fuckballs
someone: Snotballs
someone: Assballs
me: Ballsballs
someone: lol
someone: Wow
someone: We are classy
me: ::burp::

Moyal, Moyle, Mohel….

[Show as slideshow]

I was in a traffic accident on the 2nd.   Having experienced some wackiness from my engine, I had pulled off to the side of the freeway, placed my hazard lights on and turned off the engine.  The game-plan was to wait a moment and turn the engine back on.  The game-plan did not include the part where the big work truck decided to shave off the outside of the driver’s side of my car…. with me in it.

I felt a friendly bump as my car shifted a good 10 feet to the right.  Somewhere in all of this my windows had decided that not enough confetti had been thrown during the New Year festivities and did their best imitation of rain storm all over me…. and some in my mouth.

It may be safety glass, but it’s still safety glass IN MY MOUTH.

After figuring out that I was fine, the other drivers involved were fine, and I had no left-outside of my car, the police showed up.

It was at this moment that I realized that directly next to my recently smushified car was a sign that said, “Crash Scene Investigation Site Next Exit.”