someone: Lost & Found, someone left a Men’s stainless steel TAG watch here.
me: If it has number 1-12 on it, then it’s likely mine.
someone: It’s not yours ….. It doesn’t have 1-12 on it. HA!
me: If it has number I – XII on it, then it’s likely mine.
someone: NOPE…Try Again…
me: If it has numbers 1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, 1001, 1010, 1011, and 1100 on it, then it’s likely mine.
someone: silly question
me: Fire away
someone: Is anyone monitoring what anyone says/chats on Facebook or anything like that?
me: no.
someone: Do we even have that capability in place?
me: It is technically feasible.
me: Feasible at the drop of a hat, no.
someone: Ok, good to know.
someone: Just now and again I have some admirers say some probably not safe for work things to me on Facebook
someone: Just wanted to be sure that would not end up on some database somewhere.
me: Yea it does end up on a database somewhere…. called Facebook
someone: LOL
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You have been connected to representative.
representative: Hi! I’ll be happy to help you today!
me: I need to know which of my accounts are being used. Not which one are being billed, but which ones have usage.
representative: Only our Account Services department has access to that information; if you are the account holder, you can reach them by phone at xxx-xxx-xxxx M-F from 6am PST – 8pm PST. They’ll be happy to assist you with your inquiry.
me: Where would I log a complaint about this chat service being useless?
representative: I do apologize you feel our chat service is useless. Is there anything I can assist you with?
me: Well, “useless”, ergo, no.
bearded wonder: Are eggs ok to cook if they’re a bit frozen?
me: I would suggest waiting for them to thaw
me: You may end up with weirdness in the cooking process…
bearded wonder: shit, I cracked one and an egg slushy fell out.
me: …unless you’re planning to scramble/omelet
bearded wonder: It will be an omelet.
me: This begs the question….
me: Why are your eggs frozen?
me: Are you doing invitro fertilization of poultry?
bearded wonder: LOL
bearded wonder: Just bought them from Trader Joes
bearded wonder: guess the fridge is too cold
bearded wonder: or
bearded wonder: they just came out of the truck
me: I would take them back.
me: Most eggs come out of a chicken.
me: I don’t know how good a truck-egg-omelet is going to be.
bearded wonder: The taxes scramble ahhh
me: Taxes scramble?
bearded wonder: Yeah, I meat with tax man in a couple hours.
bearded wonder: I sausage the landlord afterwards.
me: How much of a steak do you have in the meating?
bearded wonder: Well done.
me: It’s rare.
bearded wonder: I’ve been smoked.
me: Well that’s mutton new.
someone: The USB cable on that other hard drive sucks. This one, you can feel the tightness of.
me: That’s what she said.
bearded wonder: What’s worse than drunk texting?
me: Drunk texting while driving and having sex on Lombard Street in San Francisco.
me: Or listening to Creed.
bearded wonder: lol
me: I’m doing my best to get Nancy to start liking vampire stories
bearded wonder: She’s not into them?
me: She doesn’t like them because they’re “ugly”
bearded wonder: ahhh.
me: But she likes the stories.
bearded wonder: “Once Bitten.”
me: Once Bitten rocks.
bearded wonder: Yeah, Jim Carry before he went stupid.
me: EXACTLY
bearded wonder: hmmm, ask my sister.
bearded wonder: She’s a huge vampire nut
bearded wonder: She’s read like every Anne Frank book.
me: Anne Frank is the girl from WWII.
bearded wonder: Been to her house, totally got the vibe.
me: The vampire vibe?
me: Ooh. New JJ Abrams movie…. What if Anne Frank was a vampiress?
bearded wonder: And the Nazis were…. the good guys?
me: I invoke Godwin's Law.
bearded wonder: Guitar vibratos are way easier to do with my right hand, so much more coordination.
bearded wonder: Maybe cause it uses more wrist and arm
bearded wonder: I’ll never be good at vibratos on my left hand
bearded wonder: But the point is, I try it right handed and it’s perfect
me: I’ve never had a problem…. or I totally suck and don’t know it.
bearded wonder: Do you jerk off lefty?
me: Only after the right one gets tired.
bearded wonder: see?
bearded wonder: I can’t even do that
me: lol
me: Go break your right wrist.
me: You’ll learn how really fast
bearded wonder: lol
bearded wonder: ouch
bearded wonder: hmm
bearded wonder: maybe then the trick to improving my left hand is to only masturbate left handed
me: Or to have a broken right wrist.
me: Maybe that was the only reason I can do vibrato with my left hand.
bearded wonder: I prefer gain without pain.
me: Thats because you’re a pussy.
me: I broke my arm for my guitaring.
me: What have YOU done?
bearded wonder: You got your ass kicked,
bearded wonder: don’t lie.
me: No, actually I fell.
me: Now I sound like a battered wife.
me: I wonder if battered wives can do good vibrato
bearded wonder: lol
me: Or maybe you should get a battered wife to jerk you off left handed
bearded wonder: Hmm, battered wife aint a bad idea.
me: I’m trying to avoid a reference to a corndog here.
bearded wonder: And I’ll avoid understanding it
me: …
me: …
me: batter
me: I had a really strange and intense set of dreams about super heroes.
me: In my dream, one of the super heroes tried to make me into a hero by chopping off half my thumb and attaching a crab’s claw to it.
me: Ok, that sounds a lot weirder typed out than it does in my head
bearded wonder: That’s a shitty hero, man.
bearded wonder: Crab-hand man
bearded wonder: could be a fun cartoon character
me: “So, what’s your super power?”
“I can create buttery dipping sauce.”
me: “And some people are alergic to me.”
bearded wonder: It’s like an even bigger loser version of Edward Scissor Hands
me: Edmund Crabby Thumb.
bearded wonder: lol
bearded wonder: Ew
bearded wonder: Partner of Tammy Stinky Pinky
