Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

beardless wonder: Man, why does the Starbucks chic have to be so cruel?
beardless wonder: And why do I have to be so damn attracted to her?
beardless wonder: I love her attitude.
beardless wonder: But it hurts.
me says: Love hurts.
me says: Love grows.
me says: Like cancer.
me says: Cancer hurts.
me says: And both will make you go bald.
beardless wonder: lol.

me: I think a church local to my work worships a koala bear.
someone: uh what?
me: I think a local church secretly worships a koala bear.
someone: How do you know this?
someone: …or think it?
me: I was getting some local directions from Google Maps and saw this:

someone: LOL
someone: Hey… Koala bears are pretty awesome?
someone: And that’s a huge church compound.
me: And the bear looks PISSED.
someone: LOL
someone: He does look a bit evil.
someone: Cuddly but will kill you in a heartbeat.
me: I ATE EUCALYPTUS LEAVES FOR YOUR SINS FUCKERS!
someone: ROFL
someone: I’m dying right now.
someone: So you should pay a little more attention to this place.
someone: See what they’re all about.
me: They’re all about Jesus dying on a eucalyptus tree.
me: And being reincarnated as a snuggly marsupial.
someone: I think that’s a nice idea.
someone: I would cuddle with Koala-Jesus .
me: We need t-shirts:
me: “Real men cuddle with koala jesus”
someone: LOL

me: …2 birds, one stone
me: I used the full version of that metaphor with my girlfriend not long after we met.
me: “That’s a stupid metaphor.” She says
me: “Why?”
me: “In Spanish it’s two flies with one swat… that makes much more sense.. Who kills a bird with a stone?”
bearded wonder: lol
me: 1 point to the hot Latina.
bearded wonder: Americans are talented mother fuckers
me: LOL
me: 1 point to the bearded wonder.
bearded wonder: LOL

someone: I’m taking a break to look at wedding dresses. Quite frankly, they suck.
me: Getting married?
someone: Yep.
me: Me too.
someone: So what kind of suit are you wearing?
me: Preferably a tux.
me: With tails,
me: a sword,
me: two dragons,
me: and a pro wrestler.
someone: I can’t get away with a sword.
someone: I also have been told not to dress like Lydia during the wedding scene in Beetlejuice.
me: By who?
me: Who’s wedding is it?
me: Isn’t it YOUR wedding?
someone: Well, the groom said no because he didn’t want to dress up like Beetlejuice. I told him that he didn’t have to.
someone: Oh - and no ninjas. I’ve asked.
me: That sucks.
me: Ninjas are underrated.
someone: I know! Ninjas are great!

someone: …the, “Do Everything For Me” button.
someone: I think I know a company that makes it.
me: I like the “Do Everything For Me” button.
me: It’s way better than the “Easy” button.
me: Fuck the “Easy” button.
me: Give me the “It’s completely finished, go to lunch” button.
someone: Why not the, “Live my life to the fullest, so I can go bury myself” button?
me: Doesn’t sound quite as enticing, really.
me: How ’bout the “Go pee for me so I can drink endless amounts of coffee without getting up” button?
someone: Oooh, that’d be good.
someone: Or just the, “Go pee” button.
me: I think you need to add the “for me” to it.
me: Otherwise you might hit the button and have to clean up your desk.
someone: Right.
someone: “What’s this button do?”, “Nooooo!”
someone: ::squirt::

me: Came up with a great band name.
someone: oh yeah?
me: Sideways Vagina
someone: LOL
me: You probably have to be a punk band.
me: But its a good name.
someone: …vertical mouth.
me: Thats just crazy talk

someone: So did you cry for the creator of D&D?
me: I tried to, but I failed the skill check.

me: The other night as I was falling asleep my mind wandered off into this bizarre riff on the amazingly distorted view Michael Jackson must have of the inner city and gang life…. based solely on his videos
me: Ignoring the video for “Rock With You”
someone: What about the paul mcartney duo?
me: There were a few, and they were fantastic.
someone: Fag.
me: But they don’t say anything about his views on inner city gang life.
me: Beat it,
me: Bad.
someone: Thriller
me: That’s gangs of zombies.
me: Different type of gang.
someone: Exactly.
someone: Just his view
me: You don’t have the Jets, the Sharks, and the fucking Zombies.

me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.
someone someone just sent you a nudge.
me you have just sent a nudge.

someone: An impala would be great for you.
someone: You could live in the trunk!
me: Not without air conditioning it wouldn’t.
someone: I bet you could get a good airflow going in that thing
me: Trust me, with the humid heat out here, that wouldn’t help
someone: Ew, humidity.
me: Just be like spraying yourself with hot pee
someone: LOL
someone: That’s my favorite feeling