Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

lunchbox: Whats with the rabbis wearing those hats
lunchbox: the big brimmed one
lunchbox: and the black
me: He’s a lebuvitcher Jew.
lunchbox: Meaning?
me: They’re the Amish of the Jews.
me: They’re Jewmish.
me: There are communities, one at least is in New York somewhere, that has isolated itself completely and is very much a 19th century town.
lunchbox: Serioulsy Jewmish
me: So I’m assuming there are plenty of black-wearing little jewish boys with peyas hitting a big barrel ring with a stick…
lunchbox: Of course
me: …except after sundown on fridays.
me: Because if they do that after sundown on fridays… they turn into evil green Jews.
me: And terrorize the town until Gizmo saves the day
lunchbox: LOL
lunchbox: jewmlins

me: Apparently swans don’t like to poo on an incline.
lunchbox: huh?
me: There’re a bunch of swan that chill by a pond near the warehouse. They poo everywhere except on a hill.
lunchbox: hmmm
lunchbox: i guess i wouldnt like to poo on a hill either
me: Why?
lunchbox: you might fall. you could lose your balance and fall in your poo
me: Falling in someone else’s poo would be understandable… but in your own poo? That’s a justifiable reason for suicide.
me: “What happened to Gary? Haven’t seen him in a while.”
“Fell in his own poo. Kept saying he shouldn’t be pooing on the hill.”
“Tough break.”
me: I wonder what swans pour on the curb for their lost homies.
lunchbox: peach juice
me: Carbonated?
lunchbox: no
lunchbox: dont be ridiculous

me: I dreamt I was doing swordplay last night.
lunchbox: sweet
lunchbox: i dreampt i was making out with a panda
lunchbox: not really
me: DAMN!
lunchbox: just trying to shake things up
me: That would have been way cooler than my sword dream

me: Scratch ‘n’ sniff computer monitors
me: That would change the online porn industry for sure.
lunchbox: EWWWWWWWWWW
me: I wonder what Google would smell like.
lunchbox: peanuts
me: The food kind, or the packaging kind?
lunchbox: both

me: So…. whatcha say we take over the world…. and make everyone enjoy marshmallows?
lunchbox: ooooooooooo i like it
me: And to make it a level playing field, all bicycles will have banana seats.
me: And tassles.
lunchbox: bell?
me: And those plastic beads for spokes that end up just getting stuck next to the tire
lunchbox: basket?
me: White plastic basket with a fake daisy on the front.
lunchbox: sweet
lunchbox: those are my fav

lunchbox: im a sad panda this morning
me: If you really were a panda, don’t you think that being a panda would make it tough to be sad?
lunchbox: hell yeah
lunchbox: especially since there always trying to get em to do it
lunchbox: making em watch panda porn and stuff
me: Given Play Panda… for the articles.

me: I hear Disneyland is getting the presidential turkey
me: And I don’t mean they’re receiving the president
lunchbox: ??
me: Apparently there’s a ridiculous tradition of the president giving some turkey a pardon.
me: Then it goes to a farm
lunchbox: ive never heard of this before
me: PETA says last year the turkey died as soon as it arrived at the farm
me: so this year its going to Disneyland…
me: to die as soon as it gets there.

me: As a premium, they ought to offer french toast that’s been french-toasted and then had its crust cut off.
lunchbox: Can’t you cut it off?
me: I’m part of the instant gratification economy.
lunchbox: obviously
me: I’d feel compelled to eat the crust.
lunchbox: I don’t like crust either
me: It would be staring at me all forlorn, “Don’t you want to eat me too?”
lunchbox: I would spit in that crust’s stupid monkey face

lunchbox: did you know…
lunchbox: there are a whole lot of Asian guys named Gavin on MySpace?
me: Thats funny becuase there aren’t a whole lot of Asian girls with bush.
lunchbox: excellent observation
me: I pride myself on seeing past the veil…
me: …and into the panties

lunchbox: I’m never gonna have virus prtection
me: Just put a condom on the network cable.
lunchbox: that doesnt always prevent std’s
me: Its 99.9% effective.
me: Just make sure it doesn’t break.
lunchbox: the best method is abstinenece
me: otherwise you could end up with many laptops.
lunchbox: and on welfare
me: Getting Software stamps from “The Man”