Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

me: I think “eyeballs” is a drastically underused comedic term
someone: it is a good word
me: Which is more funny?….
me: Why’d the chicken cross the road?
me: To get to the other side
me: Or
me: Why’d the chicken cross the road?
me: EYEBALLS
someone: Actuallly
someone: It’s kind of funny when you add “balls” to the end of all sorts of words
someone: Like fuckballs
someone: Snotballs
someone: Assballs
me: Ballsballs
someone: lol
someone: Wow
someone: We are classy
me: ::burp::

me: Holy shit
me: I just did a search on Google for “Self Deprecation” and my blog is number 8
someone: Oooh!
someone: lucky number 8
me: Not that it’s exactly a common thing to search for when looking for a very funny blog
me: “very funny”
me: But still.
me: I bet I’m not even on there if you look up, “Very Funny Blog”
someone: LOL
me: But at least I’m in the top ten of something

someone: How about… umm… some 6″ cotton tipped applicators?
someone: Giant q-tips can be funny.
me: How giant?
someone: 6 inches
me: Is that length or girth?
someone: lol
someone: Why would you need a q-tip 6 inches in girth?
me: You said it would be funny, and I can’t think of anything quite as funny as a q-tip with a 6 inch diameter cotton tip.
someone: Geez never mind.

someone: My work does not want to let me go to the drugstore
me: awwww poor you.
someone: They wish I would move in and never leave.
me: Don’t you work for a medical supply company?
someone: Yeah.
me: Can’t you just steal some medical supplies?
someone: Uh…
someone: Would you like a vaginal speculum?
someone: …with or without light source?
me: No thanks I’ve eaten already

someone: Since you’ll be there, do they have turkey in Mexico?
me: No, immigration policy is too strict.
someone: oh.
me: They have to get visas, and work permits… can’t get driver’s licenses.
me: And the government doesn’t want to have to worry about providing the turkeys with medical care.
someone: taking all the federally provided care.
me: They gobble up too many resources.
me: ::rimshot::
someone: LOL

someone: Yo
me: Yo
me: I need to put away this bag of swiss cheese.
me: I’m never going to be able to poop again.
someone: Speaking of which, brb
me: LOL

someone: So are you going to visit your parents for the holidays?
me: Nope
me: I’m having Thanksgiving in Mexico
someone: You are?
me: Kinda
me: Nothing quite like…
me: Turkey…
me: Stuffing…
me: Cranberry Sauce…
me: Donkey show
someone: lol

me: I just finished reading a book by a Born Again Christian about how and why the New Testament was changed.
me: I thought I had a concept of how many modification took place.
me: I was wrong.
someone: Wow
someone: What’d it say?
me: It’s WAY worse than I thought
me: But holy shit (pun intended)….
me: Hundreds of thousands of known issues
someone: It’s almost time for a new revision
me: And going back to the originals not being a possibility
someone: what happened to them?
me: Mom probably sold them at a yard sale, “these aren’t worth anything.”
me: He put them on his bicycle spokes to make it sound like a motorcycle
me: ratatatatatatamen
someone: LOL

me: http://www.boygeniusreport.com/2007/10/18/motorola-responds-to-penis-gate/
me: Got that from Fark.com
someone: Too funny
someone: I want a penis on my handset.
me: My handset is my penis
me: “Hello?”
me: “Can you hear me now?”
someone: lol
someone: “Goooood”
someone: You must be very bendy.
me: Length comes in “handy”
someone: lol
me: And if I use the other ear, it’s like talking to a completely different person.
someone: LOL

someone: Ben Kingsley is of Asian decent?
me: I’m assuming that’s a rhetorical question.
someone: Yes.
me: Can’t you tell he’s asian?
me: Just imagine him with a Sailor Moon outfit on.
me: Totally Asian
someone: Haha
someone: Ben Kingsley has been married 4 times.
someone: …can’t imagine spending most of a decade with someone, then 2 decades with someone else.
me: Even if you spent a decade with Ben Kingsley?
me: In a Sailor Moon outfit?