Self Deprecation Will Set You Free

someone: …the, “Do Everything For Me” button.
someone: I think I know a company that makes it.
me: I like the “Do Everything For Me” button.
me: It’s way better than the “Easy” button.
me: Fuck the “Easy” button.
me: Give me the “It’s completely finished, go to lunch” button.
someone: Why not the, “Live my life to the fullest, so I can go bury myself” button?
me: Doesn’t sound quite as enticing, really.
me: How ’bout the “Go pee for me so I can drink endless amounts of coffee without getting up” button?
someone: Oooh, that’d be good.
someone: Or just the, “Go pee” button.
me: I think you need to add the “for me” to it.
me: Otherwise you might hit the button and have to clean up your desk.
someone: Right.
someone: “What’s this button do?”, “Nooooo!”
someone: ::squirt::

I recently purchased some toilet paper.  This was apparently normal toilet paper that donated some portion of the profits towards breast cancer research.  The donations towards research really didn’t make any impact on my decision to make the purchase.  Though now any time I use the paper I get to think, “Take that cancer!”

someone: Did you turn in the TPS Report?
me: Not yet.
me: And I’ve got a few high priority things in front of me at the moment.
me: Like more coffee.
someone: mmm hmm
someone: :: swigs some Mt. Dew ::
me: Yeah at least if you drink too much dew, your urine doesn’t smell like soda.
someone: No, but it turns green.
someone: My sperm count is at an all time low.
me: Imagine standing next to someone and peeing and him realizing that it smells like you’re pouring out a cup of coffee.
someone: hahaha
me: Welcome to my life.

To help wrangle the odiferous assault made capable by multiple males using the same restroom facilities, one of the female staff members was nice enough to place a “Citrus Sunburst” air freshener on the restroom counter.

Aside from the fairly non sequitur name for the product, its so early and I’m so tired that I would really prefer an air freshener named “Wake the fuck up”

It has been decided that I will write a novel. I have no clue what its going to be about but the title will be:

“In Heaven both pieces of two-ply toiletpaper are perforated at the same place.”

I just wandered into the bathroom, maybe wander isn’t the correct word since I was intending to go there.  Anyway, I opened the door and the lights were off.

Take it from me, it may sound like a good idea but after all is said and done, peeing in the dark usually just ends up horribly embarassing.

At least thats how I imagine it would be.

Tree carvings, sky-writing, bilboards over highways, jumbo-trons at ball-games…. we have created a myriad of ways to express our love for another in a public fashion.

Never would I have considered writing your devotion onto the cardboard container of toilet-seat covers in a public restroom to be quite that tasteful.

There appears to be a trend taking place in public restrooms across the country. Years ago when one entered a public restroom one would be confronted with the choice of not washing their hands or washing their hands with a pink powdery “soap” substance with all of the properites of broken glass. Years passed and eventually someone hit upon the concept of using liquid soap in these dispensers which, though much more comfortable on the hands than glass shavings, does waste a lot of soap and seems to leave one spot on the counter with a perpetual soap puddle. The most recent innovation I’ve come to witness is a despenser that provides soapy foam lather.

Powder, Liquid, Lather, all the important growth steps of a healthy soap.

Advice from the sages states, when practicing one’s Spanish through chat, that one should be careful to not accidentally send the phrase “Mi casa es su caca” as the typo may not be appreciated.

I have a rule no to spend much time commenting on my own entries, consider it broken once again.

One has to be very careful how one gets a camera into the bathroom at work. One gets enough looks already, or so I’ve heard.