Things not to do at that new job
on July 8th, 2008Things not to do at your new job #261:
When turning in that first written report, do not include the word, “dicksnap.”
Butt Plug
on May 23rd, 2008So today this video was being sent around the office. I remember hearing this on the radio years ago. When the CEO of the company came in to our office and we showed him he asked, “Why would anyone use a butt plug?”
A coworker made the brilliant observation, “Yeah… when did we stop wondering about why anyone would use one and just decide that the concept was funny on its own?
A coworker made the brilliant observation, “Yeah… when did we stop wondering about why anyone would use one and just decide that the concept was funny on its own?
Dicktion
on April 30th, 2008On my lunch break I saw a sign for an online dating service based in the city I now work in.
Single?
CummingSingles.com
Really now.
Button, button. Who’s got the button?
on March 26th, 2008someone: …the, “Do Everything For Me” button.
someone: I think I know a company that makes it.
me: I like the “Do Everything For Me” button.
me: It’s way better than the “Easy” button.
me: Fuck the “Easy” button.
me: Give me the “It’s completely finished, go to lunch” button.
someone: Why not the, “Live my life to the fullest, so I can go bury myself” button?
me: Doesn’t sound quite as enticing, really.
me: How ’bout the “Go pee for me so I can drink endless amounts of coffee without getting up” button?
someone: Oooh, that’d be good.
someone: Or just the, “Go pee” button.
me: I think you need to add the “for me” to it.
me: Otherwise you might hit the button and have to clean up your desk.
someone: Right.
someone: “What’s this button do?”, “Nooooo!”
someone: ::squirt::
Ow
on January 14th, 2008
More Vaginal Speculum Ma!
on December 10th, 2007someone: My work does not want to let me go to the drugstore
me: awwww poor you.
someone: They wish I would move in and never leave.
me: Don’t you work for a medical supply company?
someone: Yeah.
me: Can’t you just steal some medical supplies?
someone: Uh…
someone: Would you like a vaginal speculum?
someone: …with or without light source?
me: No thanks I’ve eaten already
Toothstick
on October 30th, 2007And don’t forget: When you go to a job interview, make sure to wear enough lipstick that the bulk of it ends up on your teeth.
This season, Gingivitis is IN.
Work Hijinks The Sequel
on October 23rd, 2007Seeing the warehouse manager flying around on this I just couldn’t resist to make a small modification.
Before:
After:
Irresistible
on October 19th, 2007Somethings in life are irresistible.
- Stealing bibles from hotel rooms
- Calling 867-5309 at 2:30am
- The Snooze Button
Add to my personal list “Writing on whiteboards in the office…. even if they’re in the personal office of the company’s Directory of Operations when he’s out at lunch.
WAR
on October 16th, 2007I am declaring war on Georgia and the stupid little wannabe flies it has.
- Come in to work today, and find 8 dead flies sitting in my clean, empty, coffee mug.
- Wash out mug, make coffee
- When coffee is ready find 3 dead flies sitting in my clean empty coffee mug
- Wash out mug, pour coffee
- Sit at desk
- At the very moment I place my mug on my desk a Kamikaze fly dive-bombs the shit out of my coffee.
- Wash out mug
- Before I can pour another cup of coffee a fly lands on the inside of my mug, struts around, produces a flag and claims my mug in the name of his nation
- Kill Fly, wash out mug
